Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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