I didn't shave. On purpose
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
