i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
