The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
