The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
