I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize