i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
