Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
