We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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