I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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