Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize