I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
