Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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