dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
