Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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