Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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