90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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