So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
