Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
