the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You have to summon your inner elephant
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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