So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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