would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Are my feet made of real feet?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
