If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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