I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
