u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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