Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
