I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
