Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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