Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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