Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
