Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize