Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I didn't notice because vodka
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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