I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
