If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
