You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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