What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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