Don't make out with my wife yet
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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