You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
