I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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