I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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