we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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