Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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