that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
