So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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