You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
