I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
