P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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