I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
