yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
