I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
