While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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