Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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