Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
