First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
