I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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