what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
