Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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