I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Hello my rib-scented angel!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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