He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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