um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
