She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
